What is the title of this movie?

HOW TO TITLE A MOVIE
by Chad Shonk

Many may consider the name of a film unimportant and trivial, but I disagree. I think that a good title can make or break a movie financially and artistically. Here’s the break down:

PART ONE: WHAT NOT TO CALL YOUR MOVIE

There are four basic categories of bad movie titles: Oversimplified no-brainers, generic buzzword fallacies, puns, and unpoetic mouthfuls.

1. Oversimplified no-brainers: A title that is too long can be a problem. Just ask Patrick Swayze and Wesley Snipes how many people saw their little cross-dressing adventure or see how many people care what Andy Garcia and Christopher Walken did in Denver, alive or dead. But now there’s a problem with one-word titles that explain the film without any wit at all. Starting with EARTHQUAKE in 1974, let’s do the list: TWISTER, VOLCANO, CRASH, TORNADO, COP, FLED, TANK, and BOYS. SPEED was okay because if you think about it it could have been called BUS. By this rationale, SLING BLADE could have been called RETARD, JERRY MAGUIRE would have been called AGENT, and THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE would have been called BEAT. ybarra-cgm.com

2. Generic Buzzword fallacies: I hate titles that don’t mean anything. Action movies are the most guilty of this, but it’s not only them to blame. These are titles that don’t really relate to the film in any way but rather string together a few buzzwords that sound good in unison: DANGEROUS GROUND, ON DANGEROUS GROUND, NOWHERE TO HIDE, NOTHING TO LOSE, ONE FALSE MOVE, FIRST STRIKE, NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS, ABSOLUTE POWER, CHAIN REACTION, THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT, EXTREME MEASURES, LOST HIGHWAY, TRIGGER HAPPY, MAXIMUN RISK, HARD TO KILL, MAD LOVE, STRIKING DISTANCE, DANGEROUS GAME, DESPERATE MEASURES. I will forgive the erotic thriller genre from this, although they are the most guilty: NIGHT EYES, ANIMAL INSTINCTS, SECRET GAMES, COLD SWEAT. But the purpose of an erotic thriller is not to be creative, it’s to help you jerk off. A subset of this category is the movie named after a song. This is a big problem in the romantic comedy genre: SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT, ONE FINE DAY, ONLY YOU, CAN’T BUY ME LOVE, BOOK OF LOVE. The noteable exception is BLUE VELVET, which is a good title, although I can’t tell you why. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Maybe it’s because Isabella Rosellini’s singing of “Blue Velvet” is a central theme to the film.)

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